DOES I LOVE YOU REALLY MEAN THAT??????

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
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When someone says I love you, what does that really mean?


Maybe I live in a fairytale world, where when someone says I love you, its supposed to mean that they love you, which means, its: unconditional, without restriction, from the heart,  and without fault.  Now not for everyone, but for the ones  you really put your trust in. I always thought that when you say you love someone, it means that you put them first, you give them your heart and trust and you expect theirs in return. You want them to treat you like you are one of the most important people in their lives and vice versa. You want them to feel and know that they can trust you with anything, again, vice versa.


Now again, maybe I'm living in a fantasy, but this is what I expect. I feel like unless you are willing to love someone this way, then you shouldn't say I love you.


I don't think people stop to think about the one they are with. For starters, if you are not mentally ready to start and maintain a relationship then you shouldn't start one. If you are not capable of truly loving someone unconditionally, then don't say I love you.


Its one thing to be honest about your situation up front, but its another thing to wait until you have someone involved to decide that you aren't ready.


Me personally, I don't say I love you, unless I mean it. I don't have to lie to you about who I am or how I feel. I believe that communication is ONE of the major keys in a relationship. Honesty and Trust are also MAJOR issues. All of these walk hand in hand, and when one key is missing, the entire relationship is going to fail, because the truth will surface when you least expect it.


The phrase actions speak louder than words is such a true statement. Now, what most people don't get is the fact that if you are with someone who truly cares about you, they observe you because they care about you and what you are going through. They want to do anything they can do to help you, if its nothing but listen, or just sit beside you quietly. We take your burdens as our own in an attempt to make you feel better.


Your burdens don't affect us directly outside of watching you suffer, so we can shake it once we take it off of you. Here is where this becomes a problem. If your intentions are to play Superman and carry the weight all by yourself, you are going to make your partner feel left out. With the understanding that some things are just not meant to be shared in a DATING relationship. marriage brings a different set of standards. This is completely justified. However, there is a way to say everything inoffensively so that your partner knows that this is not something that I need to share with you.


When you've shared so much of your life with someone, and they are used to "your way", when something is out of sync, they can tell. We all have problems that we deal with, there are times when you don't feel like being bothered, but again, if you're in a relationship, to fall off and stop talking to someone is completely unacceptable. This means one of a few things, 1) You've moved on and hoping they just let go, 2) You just don't want the relationship anymore and you're not saying that, 3) You're upset with them and either don't know how, or don't want to address the problem, 4) any combination of the above.


As I stated before, COMMUNICATION is a MAJOR key to a SUCCESSFUL relationship. I've learned over the years that lies will hurt you more than the truth ever will. The truth can and will hurt at times, but its a temporary hurt. A lie can often cause permanent scars.


If you have been hurt, then you need to discuss it. Sometimes people are unaware that they have hurt you. Something may have been said, something may have been done, but people don't realize that they have hurt you unless you tell them. Sometimes they say or do things because you have done something that they haven't spoken about.. This is a circle that needs to be broken. TALK ABOUT IT......... Most of the time it was a misunderstanding that caused the whole thing, but instead of being adult about the situation and call it when it happens, you play the retaliation game and you continue to hurt each other until you either hurt your relationship or are forced to talk. At this point, sometimes the relationship cannot be saved, and even if you tried, it wouldn't last very long and you won't be very happy trying to reconcile. Animosity has set in and its best to learn the lesson, let go and  move on.


If the issue is just that you are weighted with different things, then let me be there for you. Here is the problem. If I am supposed to be your woman, then make me feel that way ALL the time. Not just when YOU "feel good".  There may be nothing whatsoever I can do to help you ease the pain, but don't exclude me from your life. If you feel like I'm only good enough for you when times are easy for you, I don't want to be there. I'm not a shallow woman nor am I a judgemental woman. I don't want to be treated like I'm unable.


If you never stopped to think about how that makes me feel, watch me..... ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. There are several emotions that I deal with at this point. First thing is, you make me feel like you just don't want me in your life. I mean, hey, its easy enough for you to go days without talking to me huh? Well you ask, why don't I try to contact you? Easy answer, when I have the opportunity to contact you, you make it obvious that you don't want to talk, so why should I. Communication works both ways.


UGH this makes me cry......


Secondly, you make me feel like I've done something to you. Well I know that I haven't, or at least I can't recall what I've done and you won't talk to me to tell me, so now I sit back and I kill myself trying to think about what I could have done to initiate the silent treatment.


Thirdly, I see things and I read things, and wonder if what I'm seeing and reading is pertaining to me. Are the words your writing an indirect way of telling me that you are ready to let go? Are you hoping that I read it and make the assumption that you are telling me that I'm not what you want and let go? Or is it truly just your thoughts on paper and has nothing whatsoever to do with me?


With the understanding that sometimes we need a break, sometimes we don't want to talk, what is considered a reasonable amount of time? Most people know very well that sometimes silence is your best friend. Being alone is the best thing you can do for you AND the one you're with, otherwise, in your frustration and being annoyed with the questions, "ARE YOU OKAY, WHAT CAN I DO, HAVE I DONE SOMETHING ETC" and then end up snapping at people, not out of anger, but because you just don't want to be bothered and their attempt to help you becomes more of a nuisance than help.


At what point does one say, I truly don't feel like they want or need me in their lives. They won't talk to me, seems like every "disappearance" is followed by the same excuse and its obvious they don't want me here anymore. As hard as it is, and as bad as I feel about letting go, I have to. Its obvious that whatever is going on, my presence in their life is not required, and its bad enough that they've made me feel like crap, but now I'm beating myself up trying to figure out what I've done. In the process of trying to figure out what I've done, I think I've cried enough to cause a flood, and I am miserable.... BUT WHY???? WHAT DID I DO??????


Once again I'm the one that has to pick up the pieces of my life, because its MORE than obvious that you haven't given me or my feelings a second thought. You think more about people who you swear don't give a shit about you. You can tell them your life story and can't say hello to me. You see that I'm available, I'm here, but you can't say anything to me.


I'm not a priority in your life, they are, but I'm not. It would be too kind to actually make me feel like I have a special place in your life. Your actions aren't walking with your words.


~Sigh~


Okay... well I guess this is where I say that every I love you that came out your mouth was a lie. Its easy enough for me to talk about what I'm going through and how I feel, and its easy enough for people to say, just let go, but every emotion that I have, I can't put into words, and there is only so much justification I can give for holding on. Not that I owe anyone an explanation, but I go to them to vent. I can't depend on the one I'm with to comfort me and let me know that everything is okay.
I have to stop here.. If you took the time to read this much, I really would appreciate your thoughts...

DEAR DIARY

~Sigh~

Where do I begin? So I was forced to take a look at myself today and be honest with myself. I always am, but I had to really lay it on the line today.

Mysa asked me the question: Do I love myself? I had a response... My response was:

"I am an ugly, sloppy, no good worthless, undeserving, piss poor excuse of a woman, mother and human being. I deserve everything I get because I am no good. I'm selfish, controlling, irresponsible and unconcerned about anybody. I shouldn't be alive because I am no good to anyone.. not even myself.. and truth be told, God shouldn't love me because I've disappointed Him too much"

Now, by no means do I want God to stop loving me, but I feel so worthless. I know the only true change comes from the Lord.  We only make adjustments to our lives, we can't change ourselves. 

This is the kind of thing people say in their heads and never out loud. This is the reality that so many people never want to face. This is the type of thing, under nomal circumstances, you would never think you would feel about yourself.

Truth is... I lack so much confidence. I've always been a little shy, but over the years I have been abused and degraded so much, till the self esteem and confidence I should have is non-existent.

What I lack in confidence and self esteem I try to make up for in my love for others.  The only drawback to this is.... SURPRISE... I don't think I know how to love.  My idea of love is to do all you can for someone else. Spare nothing to make sure others are happy (within reason).  Rarily say no and let them fill the void in your heart.

This has been my mistake.

Honestly, there are a few things I never learned how to do...

1) Let Go.. when its over its over, learn from it, move on. You'll never forget, but forgive... I know these words, I know this is what I'm supposed to do. But I don't know how...

2) Love.. I know my definition of love.. I know Gods way of love, but I don't know if I'm doing it right. Seems like whn I love, I end up being hurt. So apparently, my way is the wrong way.

3) Love myself....  No comment.. I know what I'm supposed to do.. I don't know how. I try to be as honest as possible. I don't want to live in denial like some people, and walk around like the sun rises and sets on me. I don't want to want to lose myself in a way that is unrealistic and annoying.

All I know how to do is struggle. Struggle with life, emotion, loss, anger etc. I have never been happy. I had my moments, but I have never truly been happy.

Here I am, I am able to admit the things that I've done wrong. I know my mistakes, and in my efforts to truly change, I turn to God.  I know He can change me.

I love God, I know he can do all things, but why after my 32 years of life, can I not finally be happy. What is it that I'm holding on to, that is preventing me from moving on into a new life. New Beginnings.

I am so tired of the whole, "I want to kill myself" thing. Its old. I don't want to die. Bottom line. I DO NOT WANT TO DIE!!!!!! I want to live.. I want to be happy doing it, I want to be successful doing it.

Maybe this is why I'm nobody's wife. Pretty sure now. I don't know how to handle me any other way. I don't love, value and appreciate myself. How can I possibly give this to someone else.

Sad day in my world. I don't know if this is a step forward or 10 steps back, but I'm letting it out. My heart is aching so bad. I am emotionally drained. I am physically tired. My eyes are wide open and I feel like I'm in the dark.

I'll never stop believing in God. NEVER.. because I know... a change gone come.. one day.

WHAT HAVE I DONE

Okay, so today my nosiness got the best of me.. I should have been sleep a long time ago, but I was up worrying about my washing machine, because I have clothes that are sitting in dirty that I have to tote somewhere to rewash and dry.

So, I was divorced back in 2004. Now, I loved my husband, and I didn't want to let go.. but I had to. He had already left. So today, I decided to see if he was on Facebook.. and yes he was. I guess my heart was looking to see that he was miserable and doing so bad, but when I looked I saw him happy with a million kids and a new woman.

Well immediately, I went into a depression. I don't understand how I was a good woman to him. A good wife. I sacrificed all I had to make our marriage and it wasn't good enough. Was is truly the fact that I couldn't give him kids that I wasn't good enough? Or was it just that I had done too much and he was just no longer interested.

You know, as hard as I'm trying to stay uplifted, its still so hard to move on. I miss my husband. I still love my husband. Its not overwhelming, its not to the point where I feel like I need to stalk him, but my heart hasn't let go and I guess to see him happy, makes me feel bad. How can you be happy with someone else.

I've been divorced 7 years. I've had a few relationships, but I can't say that I was 100% happy.

History.... I was married for 4 years. My husband only worked 6 months out of 4 years. My husband beat me up. He stayed in jail and he disrespected me. He got a 14 year old girl pregnant and was sleeping with my friends (not proven, but likely). Why I loved him, I don't know. But I did, I do.

Maybe its the comfort of having a husband. Maybe knowing that someone cared enough for me to make me a wife, even at my expense. I could say I had a husband. One that I loved, and who I thought loved me back. Someone I was proud of despite the situation. I was proud to wear his ring and carry his last name.

Why is he happy with someone else. I loved him. I loved him more than I loved myself. I gave up everything I knew and loved for him. I took the beatings, I went hungry, I fought for him. HOW CAN HE LOVE SOMEONE ELSE. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe I shouldn't have looked. Something told me to leave it alone, but the stronger force said to look. Now this is going to sit on my mind for a very long time.

I have a friend now. Good guy, long time friend. Love him to death.....as a friend.....  He's always been there, he's always listened, he's always supported me. Can't ask for a better person, a real man.

I have mixed feelings. I'm trying to work them out within myself, but I''m having a hard time not being partial to me. One mind says be patient while the other mind says let go.

I am afraid... I am afraid to love. Its unfair to anyone who loves me. I love my husband. I still love Big O.  The only 2 men I have ever loved with my guard down and the only 2 men who have hurt me beyond a current repair.

I think the saying is true, we love those who don't love us. We can't stand the ones that do. I have a good man right now. Do I see the rest of my life with him... not at the moment.  Do I ever... don't know, not looking that far..  Do I feel like I'm being 100% honest with him....No.... Am I lying to him....No. 

How do you feel?
I feel like he deserves better than me. I feel like out of all that I've been through, until I can let go of the 2 men my heart truly loves, I am not good for him. However, we are equally tied. Where my heart truly belongs to another, I feel a bit neglected by him.

I knew what I was up against, going into this relationship. Not a problem. I knew what he was up against coming into this relationship, Not a problem.  Maybe not a problem at that time. However.. I've sacrificed and I think I've been patient, I think I've been fair. I don't get to spend that much time with him, so I'm lonely. I don't talk to him everyday, so I worry. When we do talk, there is really no conversation.. so I'm bored. I'm a home body, so when were together its fairly quiet.

When you look into the future can you see him with you?
Hmmmmm........... I don't know. I could be wrong, but I don't think our relationship is going to go very far.  I don't mind the silence, but I want someone that I am physically attracted to. He's a nice looking man, but I'm not attracted to anything but his height. I'm not sexually attracted to him, and that may be a good thing because its keeping away the sin of lust. I don't have a romantic attraction to him at all. I feel like I could lay in his arms as a friend. He can comfort me as a friend, but I don't feel anything further.

Do you think its unfair to stay in this relationship?
Yes and No. To some extent I feel like persistence is the key. Give him time to really pull himself together. Do what he needs to do and then if the feelings don't change leave him. But then on the other hand, I feel yes I should let him go. I'm just not happy. Its not all his fault, because again I knew what I was faced with going into this relationship. But I'm just not happy. I still feel like a single woman.

What are you going to do?
I don't know. My mind is going in so many directions right now.

In a sense, I'm glad my husband and Big O are gone. But in another sense, no matter how much I pray and how much I cry. My heart won't let go and I feel so alone.

Its times like these that make me want to give up. I'm trying so hard and I'm still in bondage. I could write a list 10 pages long of those who hurt me, but all I need is 2 lines to list those who have almost destroyed me.

I'll stay in prayer and hope that God see's I'm ready to be delivered from this depression.

Until next time...

Adios