Where do I begin? So I was forced to take a look at myself today and be honest with myself. I always am, but I had to really lay it on the line today.
Mysa asked me the question: Do I love myself? I had a response... My response was:
"I am an ugly, sloppy, no good worthless, undeserving, piss poor excuse of a woman, mother and human being. I deserve everything I get because I am no good. I'm selfish, controlling, irresponsible and unconcerned about anybody. I shouldn't be alive because I am no good to anyone.. not even myself.. and truth be told, God shouldn't love me because I've disappointed Him too much"
Now, by no means do I want God to stop loving me, but I feel so worthless. I know the only true change comes from the Lord. We only make adjustments to our lives, we can't change ourselves.
This is the kind of thing people say in their heads and never out loud. This is the reality that so many people never want to face. This is the type of thing, under nomal circumstances, you would never think you would feel about yourself.
Truth is... I lack so much confidence. I've always been a little shy, but over the years I have been abused and degraded so much, till the self esteem and confidence I should have is non-existent.
What I lack in confidence and self esteem I try to make up for in my love for others. The only drawback to this is.... SURPRISE... I don't think I know how to love. My idea of love is to do all you can for someone else. Spare nothing to make sure others are happy (within reason). Rarily say no and let them fill the void in your heart.
This has been my mistake.
Honestly, there are a few things I never learned how to do...
1) Let Go.. when its over its over, learn from it, move on. You'll never forget, but forgive... I know these words, I know this is what I'm supposed to do. But I don't know how...
2) Love.. I know my definition of love.. I know Gods way of love, but I don't know if I'm doing it right. Seems like whn I love, I end up being hurt. So apparently, my way is the wrong way.
3) Love myself.... No comment.. I know what I'm supposed to do.. I don't know how. I try to be as honest as possible. I don't want to live in denial like some people, and walk around like the sun rises and sets on me. I don't want to want to lose myself in a way that is unrealistic and annoying.
All I know how to do is struggle. Struggle with life, emotion, loss, anger etc. I have never been happy. I had my moments, but I have never truly been happy.
Here I am, I am able to admit the things that I've done wrong. I know my mistakes, and in my efforts to truly change, I turn to God. I know He can change me.
I love God, I know he can do all things, but why after my 32 years of life, can I not finally be happy. What is it that I'm holding on to, that is preventing me from moving on into a new life. New Beginnings.
I am so tired of the whole, "I want to kill myself" thing. Its old. I don't want to die. Bottom line. I DO NOT WANT TO DIE!!!!!! I want to live.. I want to be happy doing it, I want to be successful doing it.
Maybe this is why I'm nobody's wife. Pretty sure now. I don't know how to handle me any other way. I don't love, value and appreciate myself. How can I possibly give this to someone else.
Sad day in my world. I don't know if this is a step forward or 10 steps back, but I'm letting it out. My heart is aching so bad. I am emotionally drained. I am physically tired. My eyes are wide open and I feel like I'm in the dark.
I'll never stop believing in God. NEVER.. because I know... a change gone come.. one day.
No comments:
Post a Comment