Okay, so today my nosiness got the best of me.. I should have been sleep a long time ago, but I was up worrying about my washing machine, because I have clothes that are sitting in dirty that I have to tote somewhere to rewash and dry.
So, I was divorced back in 2004. Now, I loved my husband, and I didn't want to let go.. but I had to. He had already left. So today, I decided to see if he was on Facebook.. and yes he was. I guess my heart was looking to see that he was miserable and doing so bad, but when I looked I saw him happy with a million kids and a new woman.
Well immediately, I went into a depression. I don't understand how I was a good woman to him. A good wife. I sacrificed all I had to make our marriage and it wasn't good enough. Was is truly the fact that I couldn't give him kids that I wasn't good enough? Or was it just that I had done too much and he was just no longer interested.
You know, as hard as I'm trying to stay uplifted, its still so hard to move on. I miss my husband. I still love my husband. Its not overwhelming, its not to the point where I feel like I need to stalk him, but my heart hasn't let go and I guess to see him happy, makes me feel bad. How can you be happy with someone else.
I've been divorced 7 years. I've had a few relationships, but I can't say that I was 100% happy.
History.... I was married for 4 years. My husband only worked 6 months out of 4 years. My husband beat me up. He stayed in jail and he disrespected me. He got a 14 year old girl pregnant and was sleeping with my friends (not proven, but likely). Why I loved him, I don't know. But I did, I do.
Maybe its the comfort of having a husband. Maybe knowing that someone cared enough for me to make me a wife, even at my expense. I could say I had a husband. One that I loved, and who I thought loved me back. Someone I was proud of despite the situation. I was proud to wear his ring and carry his last name.
Why is he happy with someone else. I loved him. I loved him more than I loved myself. I gave up everything I knew and loved for him. I took the beatings, I went hungry, I fought for him. HOW CAN HE LOVE SOMEONE ELSE. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe I shouldn't have looked. Something told me to leave it alone, but the stronger force said to look. Now this is going to sit on my mind for a very long time.
I have a friend now. Good guy, long time friend. Love him to death.....as a friend..... He's always been there, he's always listened, he's always supported me. Can't ask for a better person, a real man.
I have mixed feelings. I'm trying to work them out within myself, but I''m having a hard time not being partial to me. One mind says be patient while the other mind says let go.
I am afraid... I am afraid to love. Its unfair to anyone who loves me. I love my husband. I still love Big O. The only 2 men I have ever loved with my guard down and the only 2 men who have hurt me beyond a current repair.
I think the saying is true, we love those who don't love us. We can't stand the ones that do. I have a good man right now. Do I see the rest of my life with him... not at the moment. Do I ever... don't know, not looking that far.. Do I feel like I'm being 100% honest with him....No.... Am I lying to him....No.
How do you feel?
I feel like he deserves better than me. I feel like out of all that I've been through, until I can let go of the 2 men my heart truly loves, I am not good for him. However, we are equally tied. Where my heart truly belongs to another, I feel a bit neglected by him.
I knew what I was up against, going into this relationship. Not a problem. I knew what he was up against coming into this relationship, Not a problem. Maybe not a problem at that time. However.. I've sacrificed and I think I've been patient, I think I've been fair. I don't get to spend that much time with him, so I'm lonely. I don't talk to him everyday, so I worry. When we do talk, there is really no conversation.. so I'm bored. I'm a home body, so when were together its fairly quiet.
When you look into the future can you see him with you?
Hmmmmm........... I don't know. I could be wrong, but I don't think our relationship is going to go very far. I don't mind the silence, but I want someone that I am physically attracted to. He's a nice looking man, but I'm not attracted to anything but his height. I'm not sexually attracted to him, and that may be a good thing because its keeping away the sin of lust. I don't have a romantic attraction to him at all. I feel like I could lay in his arms as a friend. He can comfort me as a friend, but I don't feel anything further.
Do you think its unfair to stay in this relationship?
Yes and No. To some extent I feel like persistence is the key. Give him time to really pull himself together. Do what he needs to do and then if the feelings don't change leave him. But then on the other hand, I feel yes I should let him go. I'm just not happy. Its not all his fault, because again I knew what I was faced with going into this relationship. But I'm just not happy. I still feel like a single woman.
What are you going to do?
I don't know. My mind is going in so many directions right now.
In a sense, I'm glad my husband and Big O are gone. But in another sense, no matter how much I pray and how much I cry. My heart won't let go and I feel so alone.
Its times like these that make me want to give up. I'm trying so hard and I'm still in bondage. I could write a list 10 pages long of those who hurt me, but all I need is 2 lines to list those who have almost destroyed me.
I'll stay in prayer and hope that God see's I'm ready to be delivered from this depression.
Until next time...
Adios
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